I’ve been home for two months.
I’ve had a big girl job for one month.
And my life just doesn’t slow down. I have been endlessly busy – constantly penciling people in, erasing, rescheduling, and driving like mad from place to place. I’m not sure the last night I had where I simply did nothing beyond watching netflix or sitting in bed alone (part of that being because I didn’t really have a bed).
But, here I am – sitting in my bed (a real one that’s all my own). Alone. On a Monday night. Post Monday Migraine & almost anxiety attack.
Because I was going home last Thursday (to get said bed – can you tell I’m excited about it?) I squeezed what would have been a week’s worth of visiting this person and eating with that person into three days. After a much-needed phone date with a dear friend last Monday, I realized I need to add a new word to my vocabulary – no.
I’ve never been that person – the one I’ve been the past few weeks with barely a moment to breathe. I’ve always been good at balancing and seeking just-me-time. Being absent from my circles for a year (“the year that didn’t happen” as someone referred to it today) has made me that much more anxious and desperate to make up for lost time – to be with everyone NOW. I glanced at my weekends from now until December and realized I may have ONE that doesn’t currently contain some adventure or appointment.
But these sweet realizations last Monday only became more clear as I lost sleep, forgot to eat breakfast, and rushed from here to there for another seven days. My weekend at home was lovely and so full of rest that I needed, but driving seven hours in three days will do anyone in.
I woke up this morning after running non-stop yesterday from 7am to 11pm with a splitting headache. I forgot breakfast again (I know, how can that happen?!) and struggled through an entire day of work.
Around 10am this morning I realized that a no had to happen. Priorities need to be refocused. God needs to be first again, instead of work, friends, meetings, dinner, coffee, and budgets.
Y’all, when things get mixed up, they get just plain impossible to handle. There are some things I’ve kept on my calendar (I can’t erase birthdays or my work schedule), but everything else has been washed clean. I’m going to be doing a lot more sitting and a lot less running. A lot more “come over for a bit” and a lot less “I’m coming to your place.” A lot more “God is near” and a lot less “I’ll get around to that Nehemiah study.”
A lot more Mark 6:31: And He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a lonely place and rest a while.” For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.
And a lot less Luke 10:41: Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things…
I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection. -Emily Ley