Oh my gosh, where do I even start with my life right now?
2015 is practically a vanishing whisper, a memory, a thought we once had, but it’s all hazy now.
The rush between Thanksgiving and Christmas always feels like that moment you’re riding a bicycle downhill and your pedals stop propelling you forward. They just spin for the fun of it because you’re blasting forward faster than your little legs can keep up. Sometimes that’s when your chain falls off its pegs and you’re really at the will of gravity and air and wind.
I think my chain fell off this Thanksmas. Actually, I know it did. I’m also pretty sure there are no brakes on this bicycle of life I’m riding.
Everything goes so fast and I’m just along for the ride.
New things in my life include moving for the first time in over a year and a half. Seeing that I moved five times within a year of being home in 2013, this has been a breath of fresh air. I’ve accumulated things that make moving a little more taxing than when it would all fit in my car for two trips. But, I will still be in Rome…for now. Lord knows I barely sign my name to anything that requires years of commitment out of me unless it’s people. Those are for life.
Needless to say, with my emotions and deep feels, this has been quite the journey and quite the decision. I’m (still) learning that God is faithful just like He promises and that He can’t deny that (even though I wrote out all the verses that say “faithful love” one time and even though I watched dumbfounded while He pooled over $20,000 together for me to do that Race thing). I often feel like I learn and relearn the same lessons a million times and still never quite grasp it enough to put a checkmark beside it or mark it off the “millions of things Beth needs to learn” list.
But, friends, can I tell you the sweetest things? I’ve been moping for days over the hardness of this season of my life and I think it’s been good to be in that place and feel those things instead of hiding them and burying them deep, but God doesn’t stop while we mope and I’m ready to be out of the woods with this one. To do that, I’m going to share some of my favorite little stories from the past month. They’ll be short, I promise. Maybe even just a sentence or two.
I have this new job (which is an endless lesson and endless blessing, but more on that later) and this sweet friend that also works there gave my name to someone for *a completely different job* that she thought I might be good at even though I never asked for that and we’d only had a few conversations. Some people are insanely thoughtful with hearts full of the sweet Spirit. It blows me over. I don’t go home and think about all the people I work with all the time (I go home and watch Netflix and sleep), so for her to have singled me out in her mind during this whole other conversation was so sweet.
Santa and I were in the same room one time. I didn’t see him, but he was still there and I still wished everyone had dressed like Buddy the Elf.
Someone told me, “If I’d known you then, I’d have told you not to make that decision.” And it was probably the most comforting reality anyone has ever said about this particular circumstance in my life. I feel less crazy.
These guys came on a whim to church a few weeks back and asked to speak to our college folk and youth about missions. I don’t get to talk about my time in other cultures much and this was like an amazing present straight from the Lord. They were cool guys, spoke some serious truth, provided some serious opportunities for international mission work, and we watched Elf. This also opened the door for five new friends and three conversations about ministry abroad. Y’all, my heart explodes at the opportunity to share some of my stories and sit on benches or stand in playgrounds and have conversations with people who have same hearts. Sometimes I feel alone in the ways God has really changed my heart and how He reveals Himself to me these days, but these conversations proved me wrong. I’m stoked for the opportunity to hang out with college folk and talk international life with them.
There are people at work who love great movies and that makes my soul happy. And folk who love love the Lord with real hearts. This makes me so full of joy.
I made rice crispy treats from scratch last week. This also makes me so full of joy. They were gone within 24 hours. This makes me so full of sad.
I used quarters to buy a holiday spice flat white at Starbucks the other day. This makes me full of joy because a) paying in change for things is so fun and b) this is my.kind.of.coffee. It’s not overwhelmed with sugar. It is subtle and savory and sogood.
Remember that time I played guitar? Well, I’ve started doing that again and it’s great minus fingertips with all the heartbeats until callouses form again. (That’s a WHOLE analogy I could dive into, but I won’t.)
We had church in a living room today. I almost didn’t go because my shambles of a life, but I sucked it up and donned leggings and a shirt way too big for me and hid my hair in a beanie and I’m glad I did. My heart is filled in the gathering, regardless of external circumstances.
I have no other wisdom beyond that time keeps going. The sun will still rise and set every day, even when it’s too overcast to see it. God will still make the moon a little brighter when you have to wake up before the sun. He will still breathe life and rejoice over you with singing and surround you with people who breathe life, too.